JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

A man was speeding down a country lane in his car, when he saw a rabbit sitting in the middle of the road. He swerved to try to avoid it, but unfortunately hit it square on.
Feeling sad, he stopped, got out, and walked back to see if his fear was correct - it was, the rabbit was deceased.
Just then, another car - going the other way - stopped to see what was happening, and saw him with the limp animal.
"Oh, I can fix that!" she declared, and went back t her car, then came back with an aerosol can, which she sprayed on the animal. After a few moments, the creature twitched, then sat up and looked around, before hopping off.
The man took the can off her, to see what the magic formula was, and read the label.
It read - - 
Alberta VO5 revives and restores weak and limp hair in moments!

There's a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

Only a fraction of people will find this funny!

Two female teachers took a group of students from years 1, 2 and 3 for a field trip to York racecourse, to watch horse racing. When it was time to take the children to the 'bathroom' it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's toilet when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal. Having no choice, she went inside, helped the little boys with their pants and began hoisting them up one by one, holding on to their willies to direct the flow away from their clothes and shake them dry.
As she lifted one boy up, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed. Trying not to show that she was staring at his equipment the teacher said, 'You must be in year 3?
''No miss, he replied. 'I'm the jockey riding the favourite in the next race, but I really appreciate your help".

A married man should forget his mistakes. There's no use in two people remembering the same thing!

I'm passing this on because it worked for me, today. A TV Doctor said that in order to have peace in our lives, we should always finish things we start.
Since I could use more calm in my life, I looked around my house to find things I'd started but hadn't finished.
So - I finished a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of Wum, th mainder of Valiuminin scriptins, anna Ber of choklitz.
Yu haz no idreal who fablus I feelz rite now. Sned dis two all yr frneds how need inner piss - an tellum u luvum!

A drunken Belfast man was stopped by police carrying his car home with a forklift.When the Police asked him what he was thinking, he said “I’d rather lose my forklift licence than my driver licence”!

A young fella with his pants hanging half off his arse....No front teeth and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck, walked into his local job centre to do his weekly sign on. He strolled up to the counter and said: "Hi there, you know what... I really HATE claiming benefits, I'd really much rather have a job. I don't like taking advantage of the system and getting something for nothing."
The lady behind the counter said: "Wow, your timing is excellent. We've just received a job opening from a very wealthy elderly man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his brand new Mercedes Benz CL, he'll supply all of your clothes and because of the unsocial hours, meals will be provided free of charge, you'll also be expected to escort his daughter on her overseas holiday trips, but you will also have as part of your job, to satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sexual appetite."
The guy, jaw dropping and wide-eyed said: "You're bull-shittin' me !"
The social worker said....Yeah, well you started it

A middle-Eastern entrepreneur has started a new business converting landmines into prayer mats.
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Prophets are going through the roof!

Two workmen were studying a flagpole, and looking puzzled. 
A woman noticed, as she was passing, and asked what they were doing.
"Well, it's like this, we need to know the height of this flagpole, but we don't have a ladder."
"Lend me a spanner from your toolbox" - she asked - then undid a couple of bolts and lowered the pole to the floor. Then she got their tape measure out. "Eighteen feet six and a half" she declared, and walked off.
The men looked at her "Bloody know-it-all" said one. We wanted the height, and she gives us the length."
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That's why they still work for the council!

Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, ‘You don't know Jack Schitt?’
Now you can intellectually handle the situation. Jack is the only son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt.
Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, a partner of Knee-deep &. Schitt, Inc.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt, and the deeply religious couple produced six children; Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins, Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married for fifteen years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Mr. Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt and they produced a nervous son, Chicken Schitt.
Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding.
The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new bride, Pisa Schitt.
So now if someone says, ‘You don't know Jack Schitt,’ you can correct them. Not only do you know Jack, you know his whole family!

Is a very angry Scotsman wearing a kilt - a cross-dresser?

A Father put his 3year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye Grandpa."
The father asked, 'Why did you say good-bye Grandpa?'
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died. The father thought it was a strange coincidence. A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this, "God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good-bye Grandma." The next day the grandmother died."
Holy crap" thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning my boss died in the middle of a meeting!"

A travel agent was sitting at his desk when he noticed an elderly couple standing outside, gazing longingly at the posters of dream vacations in the shop window. They looked sweet, and honestly, a little heartbroken. The agent had just had a great week in business, so he felt a wave of kindness wash over him. He rushed outside, brought them in, and said, “Listen, I know travel isn’t easy on a pension, but I want to treat you both to a luxury vacation—my treat. No strings attached. Just say yes.”
Shocked but thrilled, the couple accepted. The agent had his assistant book two plane tickets and a room at a beautiful five-star resort.
About a month later, the little old lady came back into the shop, smiling.
“How was the trip?” the agent asked
“Oh, it was just lovely! The flight was wonderful, and the hotel was like something out of a dream,” she said. “I came to say thank you… but I do have one question.”
The agent raised an eyebrow. “Sure, what is it?”
She leaned in and whispered,“Who was that old Veteran I had to share the room with?”