JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

The only way for a couple to enjoy an afternoon 'quickie' away from their 8-year-old son in the flat was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars bar and tell him to report on the street activities.

He began: "There's a car being towed away", "Jason is on his skateboard", "The Wilsons are shagging".

Startled, mum & dad ask: "How do you know they're shagging?

"Coz little Jimmy Wilson is on his balcony with a Mars bar!"

Nice one Eric.

That reminds me, which is the most optomistic race in the world?
The Jewish, they cut a bit off before they know how long it's going to be!

Doreen told me these!

Chap saw an ad on e-bay for a penis enlarger - so he sent for it.
A big parcel finally arrived, and on opening it, he found the rat had sent a magnifying glass and pair of tweezers.


Chap phoned 999 and said he thought his wife was dead
Really, said the operator, are you sure?
Well, he said, the sex is the same, but the pile of laundry is getting bigger.

Old lady goes to the Greengrocer at about 9am and askes for a pound of carrots.
Sorry lady, no carrots.
Old lady goes to the Greengrocer at about 10am and askes for a pound of carrots.
Sorry lady, no carrots.
Old lady goes to the Greengrocer at about 11am and askes for a pound of carrots.
Greengrocer, to old Lady, can you spell cabbage?
Easy 'c-a-b-b-a-g-e' says she.
Lady, can you spell carrot?
Easy 'c-a-r-r-o-t' says she.
Greengrocer, right Lady, where's the f?
Oh there's no 'f' in carrots!
Greengrocer, that's right Lady, I've been telling you that all morning!

Love ya Phil, (in a good way, of course).

There's a swear word in here, but this story wouldn't be the same without it, sorry.

There was a gentleman golfer who, people claimed never swore, his name is revered in golfing circles but I don't recall it, so we'll call him Gentleman Jim.
Gentleman Jim arrives at the Pearly gates to be greeted by St Peter.
St Peter says, gosh, a golfer, we don't get too many of your sort here. Your rep says you never swore on the course.
Well I did once says Gentleman Jim.
Tell me about it says St Pete.
It was one of the Masters at Augusta, I was tied for the lead going into the 16th, I tried a bit too hard and hooked my Tee shot into the trees.
That was when you swore?
Well, actually no, when I got to the ball it was in 'ground under repair' so I got a free drop and we went level into the 17th.
I had a good tee shot but got a bad roll into a divot on the fairway.
That was when you swore?
Well, actually no, I managed to get my 5 iron underneath it to get it out, so it was all even into the par 5 18th.
Go on, says St Pete,
We were both even after two shots so I thought I'd use my 5 iron to lift up onto the green, unfortuneately I got a little too far under the ball and it went a little short into the bunker in front of the green.
That was when you swore?
Well, actually no, when I got to the bunker I found the ball was plugged below the sand level.
That was when you swore?
Well, actually no, I got my sand wedge and somehow managed to lift the ball out and it stopped about 6inches from the pin.
YOU MISSED THE FUCKING PUT!
(with fond remembrance of Alec Laing, who never swore and who taught me to play golf)

Nice one G, why are a roll of toilet paper and the Starship Enterprise the same?


They both flit around Uranus looking for Klingons!