JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

There were two Veterans, one with a Doberman Pinscher and the other with a Chihuahua. The veteran with the Doberman Pinscher says to his mate, "Let's go over to that restaurant and get something to eat.
"The veteran with the Chihuahua says, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."
The veteran with the Doberman Pinscher says, "Just follow my lead." They walk over to the restaurant, the veteran with the Doberman Pinscher puts on a pair of dark glasses and he starts to walk in. The bouncer at the door says, "Sorry, mac, no pets allowed."
The veteran with the Doberman Pinscher says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye-dog."
The bouncer says, "A Doberman Pinscher?"
He answers, "Yes, they're using them now; they're very good and protect me from robbers, too."
The man at the door says, "Come on in."
The veteran with the Chihuahu figures, "What the heck," so he puts on a pair of dark glasses and starts to walk in.
Once again the bouncer says, "Sorry, pal, no pets allowed."
The veteran with the Chihuahua says, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."
The bouncer at the door says, "A Chihuahua?
The veteran with the Chihuahua says, "A Chihuahua?????? They gave me a Chihuahua?!"

Three women worked in the same office for the same female boss. Each day, they watched the boss leave work early. One day, the ladies decided that when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. After all, she never back to work, or called to check in, so how would she possibly know they went home early?
The brunette was thrilled to get home early...she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and had an early dinner with her husband.
The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the gym before meeting a dinner date.
The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! Gently, she closed the door and crept out of the house.
The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.
“Sod that!” the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught yesterday!"

A Veteran is stopped by the police around 02:00 and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The Veteran replies, "I am on my way to a Lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asks, "Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The Veteran replies, "That would be my Missus." 

On the first day, God created the dog and said,"Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years."
The dog said, "That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?"
So God agreed.
On the second day, God created the monkey and said,"Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty- year life span."
The monkey said, "Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the dog did?"
And God agreed
On the third day, God created the cow and said,"You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years."
The cow said, "That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?"
And God agreed again
On the fourth day, God created humans and said,"Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years."
But the human said, "Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back - that makes eighty, okay?"
"Okay," said God. "You asked for it."
So that is why for our first twenty years, we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years, we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years, we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years, we sit in the pub and bark at everyone!

Why can't you hear it when a pterodactyl goes for a wee?


Because the P is silent!

Dan and Susan were going on a trip and needed someone to look after their total brat of a son Dylan. They couldn’t find anyone that was available, so Dan suggested that Dylan stay with Dan’s parents. “My dad’s an old Veteran and doesn’t put up with any nonsense, Dylan will be fine.”So they drove to Dan’s parents’ house, Dylan sulked the whole way. When they dropped him off, Dylan didn’t say hello, he just stood with a sour look on his face. Dan’s dad told them that Dylan would be fine, so they left.When Dylan’s parents returned, they were shocked to see Dylan run out to meet them and give them both hugs. “Oh Mum and Dad I missed you!” Dan’s father gave Dan a wink and said all had gone fine.On the way home, Susan asked Dylan about his stay. “Well,” Dylan said, “I was rude to Grandma, and I told Grandpa I didn’t like their house and I wanted to leave. So at night, Grandpa and I took a walk in the woods. Grandpa carried a flashlight and he made me carry a huge rucksack. When we stopped, Grandpa turned off the flashlight. He told me that I had to walk a mile back to their house in the dark all by myself.”Susan exclaimed, “Oh my gosh! So you had to find your way back to Grandpa’s in the dark all alone?” Dylan replied, “Yes, and that wasn’t even the scariest part.”Susan asked, “Well what was scarier than that?”Dylan answered, “Getting out of the rucksack!”

My Missus found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the vets. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell her that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the Pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The Missus went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
She said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."
She replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."
The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bike for about a week.”

An elderly man living alone in London wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, since the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament.
Dear Vincent, I am feeling pretty sad, because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son. Dear Dad, Don’t dig up that garden. That’s where the bodies are buried!
Love,Vinnie.
At 4 a.m. the next morning, the murder squad and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.
Dear Dad, Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That’s the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you x

The Doctor said: "The good news is I can cure your headaches...The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."
Dave was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was headache free for the first time in over 20 years, but he felt as if he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street he realised he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought,  "That's what I need, a new suit."
The elderly salesman eyed him quickly and said, "Let's see, you're a size 44 long."
Dave laughed and said, "That's right, how did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years!"
Dave tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Dave admired himself in the mirror, the tailor asked, "How about a new shirt?" Dave thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."
"Let's see, 16 and a half neck, 34 sleeve."
Dave was surprised. "How did you know?""Been in the business 60 years." The shirt fit perfectly.
As Dave looked at himself in the mirror, the salesman said, "You could use new shoes."
Since Dave was on a roll, he said, "Sure."
The man eyed Joe's feet and said, "Size 10."
Dave was astonished. "That's right. How did you know?"
"Been in the business 60 years." Dave tried on the shoes and they also fit perfectly.
As Dave walked comfortably around the shop, the salesman asked, "How about new underwear?"
Dave thought for a second and said, "Why not."
The man stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see, Size 36."
Dave laughed. "Finally I've got you! I've worn Size 32 since I was 18 years old."
The tailor shook his head. "You can't wear a size 32. Size 32 underwear would press your testicles against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."   

As a Piper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's' cemetery in the outback. As I was not familiar with the area, I got lost and being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions. I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.
I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late. I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man and as I played 'Amazing Grace,' the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished I packed up my bagpipes and walked to my car. Though my head hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say; "I never seen nothing like that before…and I’ve been putting in Septic Tanks for twenty years!”