JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

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Occupations after retirement -

As we get older we sometimes begin to doubt our ability to "make a difference"
in the world. It is at these times that our hopes are boosted by the remarkable
achievements of other "seniors" who have found the courage to take on
challenges that would make many of us wither.

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> Harold Schlumberg is such a person:

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>THIS IS QUOTED FROM HAROLD:

"I've often been asked, 'What do you do now that you're retired?'
"Well...I'm fortunate to have a chemical engineering background, and one of
the things I enjoy most is converting beer, wine and whisky into urine.
It's rewarding, uplifting, satisfying and fulfilling. I do it every day and I
really enjoy it."

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>Harold is an inspiration to us all, especially Pol!


True story >WALKING THE DOG

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>A woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.
Unexpectedly, the plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way. The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes..

Everybody got off the plane except one lady who was blind..

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight..
He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy would like to stretch his legs."

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>Picture this:

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>All the people in the gate area came to a complete standstill when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!

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>Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

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>People scattered. They not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines!

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>True story.....

>Have a great day and remember.....

>THINGS AREN'T ALWAYS AS THEY APPEAR.



>You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this...

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>We were dressed and ready to go out for a Dinner & Theatre evening. We turned on a 'night light', turned the answering machine on, covered our pet budgie and put the cat in the backyard.
We phoned the local Taxi company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to get at the budgie.
My wife walked on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit.

Waiting in the cab, my wife didn't want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say Goodbye to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I said, as we drove away. "That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me, But it worked! I hauled her fat arse downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!................She'd better not shit in the vegetable garden again!"

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>The silence in the Taxi was deafening.

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>In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

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>A nurse noticed his predicament. "Sir, she said ' You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

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>He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch.

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>Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labelled
ATR.

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>Who would know if he touched them?

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>He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW - warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.

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>What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.

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>Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.

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>When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.

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>The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

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>When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.

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>Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse
was staring down at him. "What happened?" he asked. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button".

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>"The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover." The Nurse replied. "Your penis is under your pillow."

Relax - Sarah has a little doggie!

This one is a different view of part of the Solar System!



One for the scientists