JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

Duh,Ive just had my hair and beard trimmed.

Eric wrote: > *Filipino Wife!!!"**

>

>**There was a Filipino immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

>

>Just before he died, he said to his Filipino wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

>

........................................................................

Last time I saw that they came from Yorkshire, but being married to a Filipina, I think it is just as true.

When she finished laughing, she said "Of course, were not stupid"

Oh I get it run by country folk very good Eric.

Father O'Reilly let the kids of the parish shave his hair off for charity. Afterwards he was asked how he felt. He said, "It feels a bit strange but I think it makes my cock look bigger.".



My wife has said she is leaving me for treating her like a child, but I don't think she will.

She's grounded.




My wife and her friend were having a conversation about how useless men are when my wife said, "They can't do two things at once."

At this, I interrupted and said, "Actually I can!"

"Give me an example," she replied.

"Well, while I was shagging you last night, I was thinking about your friend."

The doctor just told me that I'm partially deaf, which was difficult to hear.




When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.



A man ended up in hospital today, covered in wood and hay, with a horse inside him.

His condition is described as stable.

Groan!!

My boss called me today and said, "Where the hell are you?"

I said, "I'm relaxing in the garden with my mate Dave. I'm already on my fourth can of lager."

"I don't fucking believe you!" he shouted.

"Hang on," I said, holding the phone away from me. "Dave, isn't this my fourth can?"

I was recently turned down on my application for an Australian green card, on account of my criminal record.
Bit ironic is it not?



Why did God create Eve?
To iron Adam's leaf.



I put a wooden desk and a blackboard in my bedroom.

You know, to make it more classy.