JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

>> > > NOW THIS IS A REAL EDUCATION

>> > > Us older people need to learn something new every day...

>> > >

>> > > Just to keep the grey matter tuned up.

>> > >

>> > > Where did "Piss Poor" come from? Interesting History.

>> > >

>> > > They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used

>> > to all pee in a pot.

>> > >

>> > > And then once it was full it was taken and sold to the

>> > tannery...

>> > >

>> > > if you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor".

>> > > But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't

>> > even afford to buy a pot...

>> > >

>> > > They "didn't have a pot to piss in" and were the lowest of

>> > the low.

>> > >

>> > >

>> The next time you are washing your hands and complain because

>> > the water temperature

>> > > Isn't just how you like it, think about how things used to be.

>> > >

>> > > Here are some facts about the 1500's

>> > >

>> > > Most people got married in June because they took their

>> > yearly bath in May,

>> > >

>> > > And they still smelled pretty good by June.. However, since

>> > they were starting to smell,

>> > > Brides carried a bouquet of flowers to hide the body

>> > odor.

>> > >

>> > > Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting

>> > married.

>> > >

>> > > Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

>> > >

>> > > The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean

>> > water,

>> > >

>> > > Then all the other sons and men, then the women and finally

>> > the children.

>> > >

>> > > Last

>> of all the babies.

>> > >

>> > > By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose

>> > someone in it..

>> > >

>> > > Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the Bath

>> > water!"

>> > >

>> > > Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no

>> > wood underneath.

>> > >

>> > > It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the

>> > cats and other small animals

>> > > (mice, bugs) lived in the roof.

>> > >

>> > > When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals

>> > would slip and fall off the roof.

>> > > Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

>> > > There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.

>> > >

>> > > This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other

>> > droppings

>> > >

>> > > Could mess up your nice clean bed.

>> > >

>> > >

>> Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top

>> > afforded some protection.

>> > >

>> > > That's how canopy beds came into existence.

>> > >

>> > > The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than

>> > dirt.

>> > >

>> > > Hence the saying, "Dirt poor." The wealthy had slate floors

>> > that would get slippery

>> > > In the winter when wet, so they spread thresh (straw) on the

>> > floor to help keep their footing..

>> > >

>> > > As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until, when you

>> > opened the door,

>> > > It would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was

>> > placed in the entrance-way.

>> > > Hence: a thresh hold.

>> > >

>> > > (Getting quite an education, aren't you?)

>> > >

>> > > In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big

>> > kettle that always hung over the fire.

>> >

>> >

>> > > Every day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They

>> > ate mostly vegetables

>> > > And did not get much meat. They would eat the stew for

>> > dinner, leaving leftovers

>> > > In the pot to get cold overnight and then start over the next

>> > day.

>> > >

>> > > Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a

>> > while.

>> > >

>> > > Hence the rhyme:

>> > >

>> > > "Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the

>> > pot nine days old".

>> > > Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite

>> > special.

>> > >

>> > > When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to

>> > show off.

>> > >

>> > > It was a sign of wealth that a man could, "bring home the

>> > bacon."

>> > >

>> > > They would cut off a little to share with guests

>> > >

>> > >

>> And would all sit around and chew the fat.

>> > >

>> > > Those with money had plates made of pewter.

>> > >

>> > > Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach

>> > onto the food, causing lead poisoning death.

>> > >

>> > > This happened most often with tomatoes,

>> > > so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were considered

>> > poisonous.

>> > >

>> > > Bread was divided according to status..

>> > >

>> > > Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the

>> > middle,

>> > >

>> > > and guests got the top, or the upper crust.

>> > >

>> > > Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky.

>> > > The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers out for a

>> > couple of days.

>> > > Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and

>> > prepare them for burial.

>> > > They were laid out on the

>> kitchen table for a couple of days

>> > and the family would gather around

>> > > and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up.

>> > >

>> > > Hence the custom; "of holding a wake".

>> > >

>> > > England is old and small and the local folks started running

>> > out of places to bury people.

>> > >

>> > > So they would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a

>> > bone-house, and reuse the grave..

>> > >

>> > > When reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found

>> > to have scratch marks on the inside and they realized they had

>> > ben burying people alive.

>> > >

>> > > So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse, lead

>> > it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a

>> > bell.

>> > >

>> > > Soeone would have to sit out in the graveyard all night (the

>> > graveyard shift) to listen for

>> the bell; thus, someone could be,

>> > > "saved by the bell" or was "considered a dead ringer".

>> > >

>> > > And that's the truth.

>> > >

>> > > Now, whoever said History was boring!!!

>> > >

>> > >

>> > > So get out there and educate someone! ~~~

>> > >

>> > > Share these facts with a friend.

>> > > Inside every older person is a younger person wondering,

>> > > 'What the heck happened?'

>> > >

>> > > We'll be friends until we are old and senile.

>> > > Then we'll be new friends.

>> > >

>> > > Smile, it gives your face something to do!

>> > >




>>

>> DOG FOR SALE :

>>

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> A man sees a sign outside a house - 'Talking Dog For Sale.' He rings the

>bell, the owner appears and tells him the dog can be viewed in the back

>garden.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> The man sees a very nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> "Do you really talk?" he asks the dog.

>>

>> "Yes," the Labrador replies.

>>

>>

>> After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he man asks,

>"So, tell me your story."

>>

>>

>>

>> The Labrador looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk

>when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the

>SAS.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> "In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting

>in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one imagined that a dog

>would be eavesdropping.

>>

>>

>>

>>

>> "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years.

>>

>>

>>

>> But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting

>any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at Heathrow

>to do some undercover security work, wandering near suspicious characters

>and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded

>several medals. I got married, had a few puppies, and now I've just

>retired."

>>

>> The man is amazed. He goes back into the house and asks the owner how

>much he wants for the dog.

>>

>> "Ten quid," the owner says.

>>

>> "£10!!? But this dog is absolutely amazing! Why on earth are you selling

>him so cheaply?"

>>

>> "Because he's a lying bastard. He's never been out of the garden."

>>

>

Essential Ladies footwear for Italian cruise ships. -

for peeps who like things that go bang!

You've heard it before, but now it's a Vid!

Just for Pol!

My mate made his girlfriend's dreams come true and married her in a castle.

Although you wouldn't have thought it from the look on her miserable face as we were bouncing around, she is so ungrateful.



My pal's wife said to him this morning "how comes that you hardly talk to me these days," He replied "sorry but I didn't want to be rude and interupt you".

>A bloke's wife goes missing while diving off the West Australian Coast.

>

>He reports the event, searches fruitlessly and spends a terrible night
wondering what could have happened to her.

>

>Next morning there's a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of
policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.

>

>The Sarge says, 'Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really
bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news.

>

>

>

>'Well,' says the bloke, 'I guess I'd better have the bad news first'

>

>The Sarge says, 'I'm really sorry mate, but your wife is dead. Young Bill here
found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef. He got a
line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.'

>

>The bloke is naturally distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn.

>

>But after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news
is.

>

>The Sarge says, 'Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really
good sized lobsters and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we've brought
you your share.'

>

>He hands the bloke a bag with a couple of nice lobsters and four or five crabs
in it.

>

>

>

>'Geez thanks. They're bloody beauties. I guess it's an ill wind and all
that... So what's the other possible good news?

>

>

>

>'Well', the Sarge says, 'If you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get
off duty at around 11 o'clock and we're gonna shoot over there and pull her up
again’

>

>

How not to install a gate guardian! -

www.virginmedia.com/funny-videos/video/c...r-jet/1463663960001/

In the cafe - page 2415.

I put it there because although amusing (to watch!), it isn't a joke as would be appropriate for in this thread.

Copied from the other forum, with the writer's permission -

Slightly different scenario,

I had an incident with the local Fire Brigade, This is many years ago, myself and a friend were flying large gliders on what was a sports field (all above board no problems). I was flying a 3m sailplane with the "standard action man" piloting it. The one with a beard.

I came in over the trees,downwind leg, turned in to land.

At this point a troop of firemen climbed over the fence dressed in all the gear and came running into the field towards me .

After much panting the lead fireman said to his mate " Told you it wasn't a ******* real one" His mate said "it looked like a ****** real one".

I thought oh my god what now.... but they were all happy to look at it and have a twiggle with the sticks.