JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

I was at a party the other night with my wife. She said: "Look at that guy drinking and dancing."

I replied: "Who is he?"

"38 years ago he proposed to me," she added, "…and I rejected him!"

I said: "Bloody hell, he's still celebrating!"

Just found this on another forum!

www.clipaday.com/videos/kids-build-a-roller-coaster

From another thread, You could also have issues with "Brown Out"
Is this what Elton and David get sometimes!?

There's a bug in the computer!

Poll said this was ok, so yell at him!

I was at the airport and a guy came up to me and asked, "Lost something mate?"
I said: "Yes, my wife."
He said, "Me too!"
I asked, "What does she look like?"
He replied, "Blonde, long tanned legs up to her neck, wearing a mini, no knickers, no bra, big tits and a see-through top. What's yours look like?"
I said, "Who gives a fuck, lets look for yours!"

One for Mike!

In ancient Israel, it came to pass that a trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot.
Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she was often called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, "Why dos't thou travel so far from town to town
With thy goods when thou cans't trade without ever leaving thy tent?"
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, "How, dear?"
And Dot replied, "I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale, and they will reply telling you who hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery made by Uriah's Pony Stable (UPS)."

Abraham sold all the goods he had at the top price, without ever having to move from his tent.


To prevent neighbouring countries from overhearing what the drums were saying, Dot devised a system that only she and the drummers knew. It was known as Must Send Drum Over Sound (MSDOS), and she also developed a language to transmit ideas and pictures - Hebrew To The People (HTTP).
And the young men did take to Dot Com's trading as doth the greedy horsefly take to camel dung. They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Sybarites, or NERDS.
And lo, the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums that no one noticed that the real riches were going to that enterprising drum dealer, Brother William of Gates, who bought off every drum maker in the land.
And indeed he did insist on drums to be made that would work only with Brother Gates' drumheads and drumsticks.


And Dot did say, "Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others."
And Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel , or eBay as it came to be known. He said, "We need a name that reflects what we are."
And Dot replied, "Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators." "YAHOO," said Abraham. And because it was Dot's idea, they named it YAHOO Dot Com.
Abraham's cousin, Joshua, being the young Gregarious Energetic Educated Kid (GEEK) that he was, soon started using Dot's drums to locate things around the countryside. It soon became known as God's Own Official Guide to Locating Everything (GOOGLE).
And that's how the Internet began.
 
 

AN INCREASING number of insurance companies are refusing to insure drivers who have been caught using a mobile phone at the wheel.
According to an AA survey of eight major insurers, half of them would not quote anyone who has been given three points for the CU80 offence, while the other half would raise their premium by 20%.
Spokesman Ian Crowder said: ‘Insurers are taking mobile phone offences very seriously. Their opinion is a motorist might break a 30mph speed limit without noticing but no one sends a text message, email or makes a phone call behind the wheel by accident.
‘It might seem severe but when operating a mobile phone you don’t have both hands on the steering wheel, you aren’t looking fully at the road and can’t change gears safely.’
More than 170,000 motorists a year in England and Wales are caught using their phones while driving.
Visordown Editor, Ben Cope said: "As bikers we've almost all experienced dangerous driving from people trying to text and drive. This move towards penalising careless texting drivers is a step in the right direction to keep drivers focused on what's really important when you're behind the wheel; driving."

I have the same problem! I have to put my reading specs on to see the damn buttons or see what's on the screen!!