JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

>Roger, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old.

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>Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that after their wedding she
and Roger should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new
but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night
together.

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>After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected
knock on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is
Roger, her 85 year old groom, ready for action. They unite as one. All goes
well, Roger takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep.

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>After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's
Roger, Again he is ready for more 'action'. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents
for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Roger kisses his bride, bids
her a fond good night and leaves.

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>She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it - Roger is back
again, rapping on the door and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more
'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other.

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>But as Roger gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am
thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I
have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You
are truly a great lover, Roger..'

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>Roger, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here
already?'

A SHORT LOVE STORY

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>A man and a woman who had never met before,

>but who were both married to other people,

>found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental
train.

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>Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room,

>they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

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>At 1 : 00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,
'Ma'am...?

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>I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to
get me a second blanket?’

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>I'm awfully cold.'

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>'I have a better idea,' she replied 'Just for tonight......let's pretend that
we're married'

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>'Wow! That's a great idea!' he exclaimed..

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>'Good,' she replied. 'Get your own f...ing blanket.'

>

>After a moment of silence...he farted.

>
The End.

www.terrisfp1.com/holidays/chick.html

A dog story

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> Schnauzer..

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> My neighbour's wife found out that her dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly
hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was
ear wax and hair clogging the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog
could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted
to keep this from recurring, she should go to the store and get some "Nair"
hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.

>

> Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover.
At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days."
Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms."
So the pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days."

>Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer."

>The pharmacist says, "Well, stay off your bicycle for about a week."

The local Vicar had been keeping chickens for years. Then, one day he noticed that the cockerel had disappeared. No amount of hunting around helped, so he decided to ask his parishioners, at the next Sunday meet.

After the 'lesson', he got to the parish messages bit, and having read out a couple of items, he thought the moment was right, so he began by asking any ladies who had seen a cock to stand up. Most of the ladies did.
Flustered, he said - If any of the men here has a cock, would they stand up. They all did.
Thoroughly brain-frozen, now. He said "No, no, I meant if anyone has seen my cock, would they stand up!" All the choirboys did.

Old Biker
A little 80 year old lady had always wanted to join a local biker's club. One day she goes up and knocks on a biker's door. A big, hairy bearded biker with tattoos all over his arms answers. She proclaims, "I want to join your club."
The guy was quite amused, but explains that she needs to meet certain biker requirements in order to join the club . The biker asks;
"Do you have a motorcycle?
The little old lady replies, "Yep, my bike's parked over there," and pointed to a flamed black Harley chopper in the driveway.
The biker asks, "Do you drink?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, drink like a fish... beer mostly, whiskey when I'm shooting pool..I'll drink everyone in your club under the table."
The biker is surprised but then asks, "Do you smoke?"
The little old lady replies, "Yep, smoke like a chimney. At least 2 packs of cigarettes and three joints a day, and cigars when I'm drinking whiskey and shooting pool"
The biker is very impressed and asks, "Last question, have you ever been picked up by the fuzz...?"
The little old lady thinks for a minute and says, "Nope, but I've been swung around by my tits a few times...."

The wisdom of our Creator.



While creating women, God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the world.

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And then He smiled, and made the earth round.

Another naughty one!

Subject: ELTON AND DAVID'S BABY

>To:

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>**

>*Got to laugh !!!!!*

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>*They had their sperm mixed together and a surrogate mother was artificially inseminated.

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>When the baby was born Elton and David were ushered into a ward where a dozen babies were lying in their cots, eleven of them crying and screaming.

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>In the corner, one baby was lying serenely. A nurse came over to both of them and indicated that the happy child was theirs.

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> "Isn't it wonderful?" Elton said to David. "All these crying babies...and yet our baby is so content. This just proves the superiority of gay love!

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>The nurse said, "Oh sure, he's happy now, but just watch what happens when I pull the dummy out of his arse...."

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> *Filipino Wife!!!"**

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>**There was a Filipino immigrant man who had worked all his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real "miser" when it came to his money.

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>Just before he died, he said to his Filipino wife..."When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me."

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>And so he got his wife to promise him, with all of her heart, that when he died, she would put all of the money into the casket with him.

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>Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there - dressed in black, (what else), and her best friend was sitting next to her.

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>When they finished the ceremony, and just before the undertaker got ready to close the casket, the wife said, "Wait just a moment!"

>She had a small metal box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket.

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>Then the undertaker locked the casket down and they rolled it away. So her friend said, "Girl, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband."

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>The loyal wife replied, "Listen, I'm a Filipino Catholic & I cannot go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in the casket with him.."

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>You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him??"

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>"I sure did," said the wife. "I got all the money together, put it into my account, I wrote him a check....If he can cash it, then he can spend it."

Forgive me if this has been said before,

Human being used to worship cats 4,000 year ago, THEY'VE never forgotten!

Old chap was getting sick and tired of his nagging wife, so he began wondering what to do about it. He decided to put an ad in the local paper, and see what turned up. A few days later, a guy phoned him, said he used to be an army sniper, and was good at disposing of peeps. So they arranged a meet, to discuss the details.
As a matter of interest, how will you do it, the hubby asked the sniper.
Oh - dead easy. Medium range - one round just below the left nipple, and she'll be gone for good.
The hubby thought about if for a minute, then said - "No, that's no good, I want her dead, not just kneecapped!