JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

"With Euro going down, Ford to acquire Renault"


Ford has announced plans to acquire French automaker Renault and engineering teams have already joined forces to create the perfect small car for women.

Mixing the Renault 'Clio' and the Ford 'Taurus' they have designed the 'Clitaurus'. It comes in pink and the average male car thief won't be able to find it - let alone turn it on - even if someone tells him where it is and how to do it.

Rumor has it though, that it leaks transmission fluid once a month and can be a real bitch to start in the morning! Some have reported that on cold winter mornings, when you really need it, you can't get it to turn over.

New models are initially fun to own, but very costly to maintain, and horribly expensive to get rid of. Used models may initially appear to have curb appeal and a low price, but eventually have an increased appetite for fuel, and the curb weight typically increases with age. Manufacturers are baffled as to how the size of the trunk increases, but say that the paint may just make it LOOK bigger.

This model is not expected to reach collector status. Most owners find it is best to lease one, and replace it as needed.

so is olive oil! (don't tell popeye!)

. For Senior Travel

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> I did not know this...

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> When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure.

> When you drink rum over ice, it can give you liver failure.

>

> When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart

> problems.

> When you drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.

>

> Apparently, ice is really bad for you.

> Warn all your friends.



I hope Pol doesn't read this one -

Three friends married women from different parts of the world.....

>

>The first man married a Filipino. He told her that she was to do the dishes
and house cleaning.

>

>

>It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean
house and dishes washed and put away.

>

>

>The second man married a Thai. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all
the cleaning, dishes and the cooking. The first day he didn't see any results,
but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was
clean, the dishes were done, and there was a huge dinner on the table.

>

>The third man married a girl from Liverpool . He ordered her to keep the house
cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table
for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he
didn't see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down
and he could see a little out of his left eye and his arm was healed enough
that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher. He still has some
difficulty when he passes water.

RPV's anyone?


> On the morning of 16 August 1956, Navy personnel at Point Mugu prepared a
Grumman F6F-5K Hellcat for its final mission. The aircraft had been painted
overall high-visibility red. Red and yellow camera pods were mounted on the
wingtips. Radio remote control systems were checked, and the Hellcat took off
at 11:34 a.m., climbing out over the Pacific Ocean. As ground controllers
attempted to maneuver the drone toward the target area, it became apparent that
it was not responding to radio commands. They had a runaway.Ahead of the
unguided drone lay thousands of square miles of ocean into which it could
crash. Instead, the old Hellcat made a graceful climbing turn to the southeast,
toward the city of Los Angeles. With the threat of a runaway aircraft
approaching a major metropolitan area, the Navy called for help.Five miles
north of NAS Point Mugu, two F-89D Scorpion twin-jet interceptors of the USAF
437th Fighter Interceptor Squadron were scrambled from Oxnard Air Force Base.
The crews were ordered to shoot down the rogue drone before it could cause any
harm. Armed with wingtip-mounted rocket pods and no cannon, the Scorpion was
typical of the Cold War approach to countering the "Red Menace." Each pod
contained 52 Mighty Mouse 2.75-inch rockets. Salvo-launched, the Mighty Mouse
did not have to have precision guidance. Large numbers of rockets would be
fired into approaching Soviet bomber formations to overwhelm them with sheer
numbers. Today, they would be used against a different kind of red menace.At
Oxnard AFB, 1Lt. Hans Einstein and his radar observer, 1Lt. C. D. Murray, leapt
into their sleek F-89D. Simultaneously, 1Lt. Richard Hurliman and 1Lt. Walter
Hale climbed into a second aircraft. The interceptors roared south after their
target. The hunt was on. Einstein and Hurliman caught up with the Hellcat at
30,000 feet, northeast of Los Angeles. It turned southwest, crossing over the
city, then headed northwest. As the Hellcat circled lazily over Santa Paula,
the interceptor crews waited impatiently. As soon as it passed over an
unpopulated area, they would fire their rockets.The interceptor crews discussed
their options. There were two methods of attack using the fire control system,
from a wings level attitude or while in a turn. Since the drone was almost
continuously turning, they selected the second mode of attack. In repeated
attempts, the rockets failed to fire during these maneuvers. This was later
traced to a design fault.The drone turned northeast, passing Fillmore and
Frazier Park. It appeared to be heading toward the sparsely populated western
end of the Antelope Valley. Suddenly, it turned southeast toward Los Angeles
again. Time seemed to be running out. Einstein and Hurliman decided to abandon
the automatic modes, and fire manually. Although the aircraft had been
delivered with gun sights, they had been removed a month earlier. After all,
why would a pilot need a gun sight to fire unguided rockets with an automatic
fire control system?

> The interceptors made their first attack run as the Hellcat crossed the
mountains near Castaic. Murray and Hale set their intervalometers to "ripple
fire" the rockets in three salvos. The first crew lined up their target and
fired, missing their target completely. The second interceptor unleashed a
salvo that passed just below the drone. Rockets blazed through the sky and then
plunged earthward to spark brush fires seven miles north of Castaic. They
decimated 150 acres above the old Ridge Route near Bouquet Canyon.A second
salvo from the two jets also missed the drone, raining rockets near the town of
Newhall. One bounced across the ground, leaving a string of fires in its wake
between the Oak of the Golden Dream Park and the Placerita Canyon oilfield. The
fires ignited several oil sumps and burned 100 acres of brush. For a while the
blazes raged out of control, threatening the nearby Bermite Powder Company
explosives plant. The rockets also ignited a fire in the vicinity of Soledad
Canyon, west of Mt. Gleason, burning over 350 acres of heavy brush.

> Meanwhile, the errant drone meandered north toward Palmdale. The Scorpion
crews readjusted their intervalometers and each fired a final salvo, expending
their remaining rockets. Again, the obsolete, unpiloted, unguided, unarmed,
propeller-driven drone evaded the state-of-the-art jet interceptors.

> In all, the jet crews fired 208 rockets without scoring a single hit.

> The afternoon calm was shattered as Mighty Mouse rockets fell on downtown
Palmdale. Edna Carlson was at home with her six-year-old son William when a
chunk of shrapnel burst through her front window, bounced off the ceiling,
pierced a wall, and finally came to rest in a pantry cupboard. Another fragment
passed through J. R. Hingle's garage and home, nearly hitting Mrs. Lilly
Willingham as she sat on the couch. A Leona Valley teenager, Larry Kempton, was
driving west on Palmdale Boulevard with his mother in the passenger seat when a
rocket exploded on the street in front of him. Fragments blew out his left
front tire, and put numerous holes in the radiator, hood, windshield, and even
the firewall. Miraculously, no one was injured by any of the falling rockets.
Explosive Ordnance Disposal teams later recovered 13 duds in the vicinity of
Palmdale. It took 500 firefighters two days to bring the brushfires under
control.

> Oblivious to the destruction in its wake, the drone passed over the town.
Its engine sputtered and died as the fuel supply dwindled. The red Hellcat
descended in a loose spiral toward an unpopulated patch of desert eight miles
east of Palmdale Airport. Just before impact, the drone sliced through a set of
three Southern California Edison power lines along an unpaved section of Avenue
P. The camera pod on the airplane's right wingtip dug into the sand while the
Hellcat cart-wheeled and disintegrated. There was no fire.

>

>

>

A bloke starts his new job at the zoo and is given three tasks. First
>is to clear the exotic fish pool of weeds.
>
>As he does this a huge fish jumps out and bites him. To show who is
>boss, he beats it to death with a spade.
>
>Realizing his employer won't be best pleased he disposes of the fish by
>feeding it to the lions, as lions will eat anything.
>
>Moving on to the second job of clearing out the Chimp house, he is
>attacked by the chimps who pelt him with coconuts.
>
>He swipes at two chimps with a spade killing them both.
>What can he do? Feed them to the lions, he says to himself, because
>lions eat anything..
>
>He hurls the corpses into the lion enclosure.
>
>He moves on to the last job which is to collect honey from the South
>American Bees.
>As soon as he starts he is attacked by the bees. He grabs the spade and
>smashes the bees to a pulp.
>By now he knows what to do and shovels them into the lions cage because
>lions eat anything.
>
>Later that day a new lion arrives at the zoo.
>He wanders up to another lion and says "What's the food like here?"
>
>The lions say: "Absolutely brilliant, today we had Fish and Chimps with
>Mushy Bees
>
>



>The latest toy has hit the shops... a talking Muslim doll.

>

>Nobody knows what it says,

>because no one has the courage to pull the cord.

>

>


>
> When people ask what you learned today ......
> Manure... An interesting fact
> Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries,
everything had to be transported by ship and it was also before the invention
of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common.

>

>

>

> It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a
lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become
heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by product is
methane gas of course. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can
see what could (and did) happen.

> Methane began to build up below decks and the first
time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!

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>

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> Several ships were destroyed in this manner before
it was determined just what was happening

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> After that, the bundles of manure were always
stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for
the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that
came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production
of methane.

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> Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In
Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very
day.

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> You probably did not know the true history of this
word.

I just love the origin of words.