JOKES THREAD (Merged topics - all jokes here)

, not rude but a classic

OMG !!!!! I was in the public toilets and had just closed the door when a voice from the next cubicle said "Hi !, how are you ?" Embarrassed, I said, "I'm doing fine". The voice said "So what are you up to ?". I said, "Just doing the same as you!". From next door, "Can I come over?". Annoyed, I said " rather busy right now". The voice said, "Listen, i will have to call you back, there's an idiot next door answering all my questions".

Hori n Boycie were having a beer at the local..they were having a good ol yack when Hori stood up and staggered up2 the bar. Boycie watched as he chatted to Marlz the barmaid..but when he went to hand her his half empty glass she reached across the bar and hi-fived his face!! He walked slowly back 2 their table n plonked hmself down. "Wow bro," said a shocked Boycie'"wtf just happened there?" "Dunno bro," replied a stunned Hori,"I only asked her 4 more head!!"

You are naughty, but i like it LOL

Garry

thought this might just flow with Erics post


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pocket/purse-sized taser
I didn't write this but I thought I would pass it along

Dear Pocket Taser Company,

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 7th anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my darling girlfriend. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized taser. The effects of the taser were supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home.

I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time, I'd get the blue arc of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs. AWESOME!!! Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to my girlfriend what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I was sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my sweetheart to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong? So, there I was sat in a pair of shorts and a wife beater top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and taser in another.

The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries. All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5' long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best...

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one side as if to say, 'don't do it dipstick, ' reasoning that a one second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to give myself a one second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD . . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!

I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs.

The cat was making meowing sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a taser, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.

SON-OF-A-BITCH THAT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace.

The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooed myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return!!

P.S. girlfriend loved the gift, and now regularly threatens me with it!

Sincerely, Still Looking For My Balls

Only one word for that tale...Brilliant

Garry

After 20yrs of sex in the dark, a wife finds out her husband used a dildo on her the entire time,angry she stormed into the living room while he was watching tv with the kids and said explain the dildo you bastard, the husband calmly turned to her and said explain the kids you bitch

As my wife and I lay in bed together, I felt the tension in the air.

She then folded her arms and huffed, "You never make the first move."

"Jesus!" I said as I rolled my eyes. "Every night it's the same thing."

"Well you don't!" she moaned. "It's always me and quite frankly I'm fed up with it. And before you start, it's nothing to do with you being black."

"It is," I said.

"No, it isn't," she said.

"You know what?" I said as I jumped out of the bed. "You can stick the chessboard up your arse."

My brother will love that one Dean.... he's a chess master.

Pol.

A couple that made me chuckle!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


You can't beat the downfall of an old, haggard dictator...

...I thought as I pushed the wife down the stairs.



I knew my obsession with masturbating was getting out of hand when my Labrador also went blind.

What has two wings and a halo?


A Chinese telephone.



What's the difference between WWE wrestling and the X Factor? One is a farce that only kids and idiots would watch, featuring hammy performances, ridiculous costumes, staged drama and although the winners are pre-determined they pretend it's legit. The other is wrestling.



It's sad how Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his violence, and not for his brilliantly realistic paintings of tunnels.



With winter quickly approaching, I have found a way to turn my dishwasher into a snowblower.

I gave her a shovel.

Very good Dean,